The Kinks Couple's Secretly Want & How to Actually Try Them

Every couple has them — the things they're curious about but have never said out loud. Today we're pulling them into the light.

Deborah Kat — certified tantric educator, relationship coach, and host of the Better Sex podcast — walks us through the three categories couples are most curious about right now, and the part that matters most: exactly how to bring them up with your partner without it landing weird or killing the mood.

In this episode:

• The three pillars of couple's play — and what each one really gives you
• The difference between a kink and a fetish
• Why the person in charge and the person letting go are both after the same thing: trust
• Simple, low-pressure ways to start tonight — using nothing but your own body
• The exact words to introduce something new (and what to do if you get shut down)

🔗 Find Deborah: https://www.deborahkat.com/ | Better Sex podcast | @deborahtantrakat

Deb's Free Gift! https://www.deborahkat.com/relationship-lab-opt

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Transcript

Welcome And New Podcast Name

SPEAKER_00 1:02

I'm Annette Benedetti, host of the podcast formerly known as Locker Room Talk and Shots. The show has a new name, Talk Sex with Annette. But at its core, this is still your locker room. It's where we strip away shame, get curious, and speak the unspoken about sex, kink dating, pleasure, and desire. Around here, nothing's off limits. These are the kinds of conversations we save for our boldest group chat, our most trusted friends, and of course, the women's locker room. Think raw, honest, and sometimes unapologetically raunchy. Welcome to my podcast where desire meets disruption and pleasure becomes power. Let's talk about sex. Cheers. Today's talk sex with a net topic is the top kinks couples want right now and how to introduce them tonight. Every couple has them. The things they're curious about and have never said out loud, the kinks sitting in the back of their minds while they have the same sex they've been having for years. Today we're pulling them into the light. My guest is going to walk us through the top kinks couples are actually interested in right now. And then the part that matters most, exactly how to introduce them into your relationship without it landing weird or killing the mood or scaring your partner off. My guest is Deborah Kat, sex and relationship coach, with over 20 years in this work. She's the host of the Better Sex Podcast. And the coach, smart, successful men call when they want the confidence to have the sex and relationships they actually desire. She spent decades helping people bring their full selves into the bedroom. And today,

Top Kinks Couples Want Now

SPEAKER_00 2:45

she's giving us the roadmap. Thank you for joining me today, Deborah. Before we dive in, I have to remind y'all that I'm over on OnlyFans and There. I'm sharing my sex and intimacy, how-tos, demos, and audio guided self-pleasure, meditations, and so much more. And you can find me there with my handle at TalkSex with Annette. You can find me over on Substack doing a whole lot of the same with the same handle. And you can find me on Instagram with my handle Annette Benedetti. You can scroll down to the notes section below where you will be able to find Kat and I wherever you want to link up with us. And I can't wait to link up with you there. But for now, Kat, will you do me a favor and tell my listeners a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Wonderful. First of all, Annette, thank you so much for having me. It is a pleasure to talk with you. And so I am a uh certified tantric educator as well as a professional dominatrix. And I've been working with couples for over 20 years. And what I find is the more that we can allow ourselves to ask for what we want, the more fun we have in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_00 3:56

And it's so difficult for so many people. The communication piece is, I believe, the number one issue with getting what we want and having the experience that we want with our partners in the bedroom. Today is a key conversation that all of my listeners, regardless of their gender, will get something out of because so many of you I know have things you want to try in the bedroom, but don't know where to start. This is your starting point. Listening to this episode, sharing it with your partner, and then doing what we tell you. So today, Kat's going to introduce the top kinks, and we're going to walk you through how to launch them in the bedroom starting tonight. So you're going to want to stay to the end because, as always, by the end, we are going to have those takeaways. You're going to have a little guide, and tonight you're going to start doing exactly what you've been fantasizing in bed. So I'm ready. Let's talk about kink and bring it into our bedrooms tonight. Cheers, Kat, and cheers to my listeners. And cheers and cheers. I think where we have to start with this conversation is defining a kink. Because I'm sure many of my listeners are like, I don't have a kink. I just want to do these things. So let's talk about what a kink is.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Absolutely. So the definition of kink is literally anything out of the norm, right? So you think about that. And based on that, I'm imagining that everyone's kinky because that definition basically says anytime you get out of the missionary position, you are doing something kinky. Not because people don't do that, but that's what we talk about as normal sex, right? As our baseline sex is missionary, man on top, woman on bottom, penetrative sex. So based on that definition, anytime you do anything a little bit different, you are a kinkster. Welcome to the

Kink Versus Fetish Defined

SPEAKER_01 5:59

club.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Can you explain to listeners how a kink is going to look different than a fetish?

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Let me start with fetish, right? So a fetish is something that you need to get aroused, right? And it's something that you focus on to get aroused. So for instance, sometimes people have a high heel fetish, meaning that they either need their partner to be in high heels or they need high heels around somewhere. I had one client who, as a couple, they decided that she wasn't going to wear high heels, but he had them in a place where he could see them. And so his ability to focus on the high heels allowed him to get aroused. So fetish is really about the arousal state, whereas a kink is can can can come into play at any time throughout the experience. A kink can even come into play as foreplay just being talked about.

SPEAKER_00 6:58

Right? So it sounds to me like the difference is a fetish is necessary for arousal for that person. It needs to be present in order for arousal to take place.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Yes, the fetish is necessary. The kink is optional.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

All right. So just in case you're wondering, any little fantasy you have that you get excited about and want to explore that's outside of what would be considered conventional P V sex may border on being kinky. So that's where we're gonna start. What I want to know now is what are the top kinks in your practice that couples, I'm talking about two people together, have brought to you and are interested in. And if you can name however many you came with today, and then we will walk through them one by one and explain to the listeners what they are and how to get started bringing them into the bedroom tonight.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Awesome. So I first I want to start with there's three sort of main bigger categories, right? And so what I would say is there is emotional play, there is restraint play,

Three Kink Categories Explained

SPEAKER_01 9:08

and then there is impact play. And so emotional play is where we get into sort of the dom sub, the the the the emotional part of who somebody is holding the container and somebody is submitting into it. With the restraint piece, that can look a lot of different ways. That can look like shabari, which is this really intricate way of tying people up. It can look like just using restraints like cuffs. It can also look like just telling somebody you're not going to move until I tell you to. And then impact play is anything that's impacting the body. That could be a spanking, that could be a paddle, that could be a crop, that could be uh a bunny flogger. But the the the distinction is there is impact on the body. So those are the three big categories.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Those are the three top things within the kink realm that couples are coming to you and wanting to initiate and bring into their bedroom.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Yes. So within those three, there's more specific desires, there's more specific fantasies. So for instance, within the realm of the emotional, like I said, there's the dom sub or the somebody is dominant and somebody is submissive. And so in that realm, what I see a lot is that there's one of the two partners wants to be submissive, and they have a little bit different of a flavor. So in the realm of, for instance, female submission, she's more like she wants to, she wants to give up control, right? She wants to be told what to wear, how to stand, what to do. And she really wants to be told what to do in in a very objective way, right? So not all, not not everyone wants to be objectified, but I find that objectification is a big part of the female submission.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Okay, so as we proceed, I think a great way to talk about this is to go through your three different categories. But then you can give examples for people because people may not know which one they fall under, but you can give examples in each category of what some of the sub kinks or subcategories are so that it gives listeners a better idea of, oh, that is what I want in the bedroom. And then, of course, we'll talk about how to implement the beginning stages at least of each one and get started tonight. So why don't we start which category would you like to start with?

SPEAKER_01 11:57

Like I said, the emotional category, which is where we have the roles, where we have the emotional pieces. And one of the things I want to say about kink is under every kink, there's a way that someone wants to feel, right? We're looking for a certain feeling. So whether it is in the emotional realm, we're talking mostly about power play. Somebody's in charge, somebody's not in charge, right? And so, generally speaking, the person who's in charge wants to feel in control, they want to feel powerful. The person who is in the submissive role wants to feel any number of things, right? They might want to feel precious, like a precious object. They might want to feel useful. So, for instance, one of the main fantasies I see with male submissives is they want to please their Dom or their partner. They want to give their partner the best pleasure they've ever had, right? And

Power Play And The Feelings Underneath

SPEAKER_01 13:06

so, for instance, one of the male fantasies that we don't often talk about is that he may want to be passed around all of her girlfriends so that he can be like the ultimate pleasure toy. Whereas she also might want to have that role of giving up control. And then maybe there is so when she's not in control, she has things done to her. And on the other side, for female domination, right, oftentimes what she's really looking for is she wants to be worshipped, right? She wants to be the goddess, she wants to be the ultimate, the ultimate version of femininity, right? This is often where the female dominant comes in. For the men or the masculine, they tend to again want to be powerful, but they want their flavor of power is a little bit different. Their flavor of power is the the in control of the whole situation, right? So a little bit less they often want to be worshipped as well, don't we all, but it's a little bit different.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

I am curious how does this play out in queer relationships?

SPEAKER_01 14:27

Well, it it really in it kind of depends. It's it depends, it's less about the who and the what, and more of the chemistry between, right? Which is true in all relationships, but particularly in queer relationships. And one thing I will say in queer relationships, at least my experience in it, is that it was so dependent on what the other person was bringing as to how I was responsive, right? When I had in so these are definitely very old terms, but it was a if I had a more butch partner, I would, I would kind of come more into the femme. And if I had a very femme partner, then sometimes that would really touch my my my more butch side versus having a standard having a standard wall. Now, my experience in queer in my queer relationships again was that there was a certain amount of of switching, meaning either taking the top or the bottom, but again, it was more chemistry-oriented. And yeah, right. I haven't thought about that in a long time.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Yeah, and I I assume then also within your heterosexual couples, you've seen some switching there, where sometimes the woman wants to be in that dominating role, but sometimes she wants to switch. They call it switching.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Yeah, I think I think I think sometimes what happens is that we take a fantasy and we go whole into it. And so in until there's something that is that that is completed or satisfied. Like I think about different different couples I've worked with, and they'll bring a kink, they'll bring up a fantasy or that involves kink, and then they'll explore it for a while, and then something will shift. Right. And this is one of the things that we don't always talk about around fantasy, you know, and kink specific, is that it does change, right? And so we can explore the submissive role until we come to, oh, I I want to try something different, or I'm I'm curious about the other role. Now, this is there's no hard and fast rules around these things. So this is something that I've I've seen within within working with with couples and clients around how they progress. And in my own progression, I started off submissive, and then I was like, oh, I I kind of want to try this topping business. And then I found that I really enjoyed it. And I find that in a in a certain way, if you go far enough in one direction, you end up in the other direction. And what I mean by that is if you are in the dominant role, right, you are you are holding the space, you are creating the experience for the submissive to be able to open up and submit and surrender. And sometimes what makes a really good DOM is when they are holding a solid container, but and they are following the energy so that they may have thought, they may have thought, oh, this is what's going to happen in the scene. But as they follow the energy, they realize, oh, this is actually where this scene wants to go. And there's a certain amount of surrender to what's actually in the moment versus holding on to the plan. Right. So in in my in my personal experience, and what I would call a good don is somebody who can follow that, right? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Absolutely. It's interesting that you say that. Right. Just learning how to bring that into the bedroom. That's why this episode is so important because this is the kickoff, right? Most of us have more curiosities than just one kink sitting out there. And the trick is just getting your toe in the water in the first place. But once you do, and you both get used to it, and you're like, okay, this isn't scary. Oh, this is actually sexy. Oh, this is fun. And you start to practice it regularly, you can take that kink to the end, meaning you fully bring it into your sex life. You explore the ins and out of it, it stops seeming like it's not conventional sex because it becomes so normal to you. And then you're like, maybe I want to try this other thing because you want to bring something else that's new into your dynamic, right? If you've been Doming the whole time, then you're like, maybe I want to see what it's like to submit, right? I think oftentimes I know it happens the other way, where someone is the submissive to the point where they're like, hey, I kind of want to step into my DOM self and see what that is like. They say oftentimes the best DOMs start out as submissive, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Absolutely. And old school, that's the way it used to be. Old school before before we could, before there were so many incredible resources. The resources we had were other people. And so the way that you would start learning how to DOM is learning how to submit. And what I often see is for the DOMs, it's oh, they start getting into this situation where it's like they often realize, wow, I'm doing all the work here. I actually want somebody to take care of me. I want to be pleasured. And really, in my experience, like when we really drop into full pleasure, there's a there's a letting go that has to happen, right? There's a letting go and a trust factor that really has to happen. And I think oftentimes what happens for DOMs is that they learn how to trust not just their subs, but themselves.

SPEAKER_00 20:55

Right. Right, absolutely. And circling back to queer relationships, my listeners know that I'm pansexual. And my own exploration with power dynamics really started with me wanting to be submissive because my overall personality and the way I walk through life is very much the opposite. And I thought it seemed so sexy, like the idea of being able to be submissive. And what I found was like I desired being submissive when I was in relationship with masculine figures, typically men, but I also imagined that that way with more mask lesbians or mask queer fims. And then with when I was with women who were more either androgynous to feminine, I really loved domming. And what I found eventually happened was I was like, the idea of domming a man is kind of hot. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around that at first. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I know it's because of socialization and the idea of what it means to be masculine and feminine and stuff like that. And then really learned it's incredibly hot to have that role with a man, especially a man who's super masculine and or a woman who's more of a mask femme or androgynous. But there is something to me that, like, when it's a cis man who's super masculine and he worships me and I tell him what to do, it's pretty fucking hot. I'm not gonna complain about that.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

He is giving you his trust, he's giving you his vulnerability, he's saying whomever is a more masked person is, they're saying, I trust you, I trust you to honor that underneath this all, I am still who I am. And in this moment, in this moment, I am giving you my power. In this moment, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in a way that that I don't do outside of the bedroom, that I don't do with other people. And so I and I think that's one of the most incredible experiences in kink is when we either a have the experience to be that vulnerable with another person, whether we're giving up our power or whether we're we're taking our power. How hot is it when somebody says to you, I am giving myself to you, I am laying out my heart, my vulnerability, and I'm trusting you. So I think that's a real when I think about what's underneath this form of kink, that's what it is, is it's that trust and that vulnerability, right? There's a very easy way to start these things, right? We're we're kind of talking about the the the depth of what's possible. But what one of the Very easy ways to start it is the first thing is is choosing choosing a role for the and then creating a container for the next hour. I'm going to invite you to trust me to do everything I say. For the next hour, I am going to trust you to follow your direction to a T. Right. That's the beginning, the first step of playing in the realm of kink, particularly in the role of power play.

SPEAKER_00 24:23

I love that. That's your jumping off point, guys. Once at the very end, I'm going to give you the takeaways for how to even bring it up. Well, I'm not going to at the very end, our guest is going to give you the takeaways, are going to be like, how do you bring this up and get it started into the bedroom? But right now, that's a great way. Once you've decided, hey, I want to explore power play, is to choose your roles, each of you, whether you know what you want or not, if you think you know what you want, just for funsies for the next hour. Here's the role I'm going to be in. Here's the role you're going to be in. We're going to trust each other, right? And I assume also say what we're absolutely not okay with being what's told to do and the boundaries around that, outlining the boundaries around that. And then giving it a go. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

And what one of the things that I'm really enjoying about this conversation is it's a collaborative process, just like good sex and just like good kink, right? It is a collaborative process. So once you've figured out your roles, once you've figured out how long you're going to play in that realm, then the next thing you want to do is introduce what you're going to do. And so restraint is the next category I have, right? And so when I'm talking about restraint, what I'm talking about is one person is immobilized by the other. Now, there's lots of different ways to do this. There's there's the the the quick and dirty, which is the you have some version of cuffs that are hooked up to something, and so there's restraint in that way. Maybe your hands are restrained, maybe your feet are restrained, maybe both are restrained, maybe you have a collar on and there's some restraint there. It depends on how immobile the sub or the the the bottom or the person who is being the immobilee is comfortable being, right? So there's there's just straight restraint, and then there is something that's really popular these days, which is Shabari. And Shibari is a more it is a more decorative form, but it also has different it basically it's

Restraint Play From Cuffs To Rope

SPEAKER_01 26:45

a you're taking a rope or many ropes, and the body is tied in different ways. So perhaps it could be tied in a way in which the person is immobile. Sometimes it's more decorative. There's you can use ropes to make pretty pretty bras or pretty panties, or or you can use the rope to immobilize somebody and put them into either a position that is more uncomfortable or a position that is more of a stretch. And so there's different ways of playing with that. Now, the one of the things I would say about Shibari is it is a process, right? So from the moment that the person actually, the rope bunny is usually what they call the person who's being tied up. So once the rope bunny has said, yes, I'm going to be tied up, this is definitely somewhere where you want to have conversations about what your body can and cannot do, right? Because if you are, if you're tied up in a different position, sometimes it can cause cramps. It can do all sorts of interesting things to the body. But once the rope bunny has agreed to being tied up, then there's lots of different ways to do it. Now, one of the reasons a rope bunny might want to feel this kind of tied up is that they want the containment, right? They want to feel that tightness, they want to feel a certain amount of, for some folks, it's out of control. For some folks, that feels incredibly safe. For some folks, the the different ways in which they're tied, there's different pressures on different parts of the body. So that can feel really good to them. That tension and release comes into rope play a lot. And then for the person who is the tire, for some of them, it's really about the aesthetics. For some of them, again, it it brings in that piece of power and that piece of trust. And then in terms of what is it that they are experiencing, is once somebody's tied up, there's lots of things that can happen to them, right? So for some folks who may have some shame, who may have some ideas about who has sex, who doesn't have sex, when they are immobilized and things are being done to their body that is not within their control, there is a freedom there, right? I'm not making these choices anymore. I I can't do, I can literally not do anything because I am all tied up, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Yeah. It's the release from making choices and decisions because somebody you trust and who knows your limits is taking that control from you in all sorts of ways, right? You also mentioned verbal restraint, which is, I think, a form of restraint that a lot of people don't know about.

SPEAKER_01 29:47

Yeah, absolutely. They call it predicament restraint, right? And so it could be that your Dom says or stand, stand still with your hands up, right? And maybe you stand still with your hands up, and then that fatigue comes in, right? And then maybe there's a a pleasure or a punishment. If you hold that for three more minutes, just like that, it's gonna make me so happy. And you know what happens when I'm happy is you get more pleasure, right? Or it could be something like, you know, you're gonna need to hold that for three more minutes, and if you can't do that, you're gonna need to stand at the wall with a quarter and your nose. So, so there's that kind of play that can happen there, and it can also be the predicament play or or telling somebody to stand some way or or or sit some way or whatnot, also can can go into what we call objectification, which means they are being treated as an object and not as a person. And again, for some people, this is an amazing relief. I don't have to think about anything, I don't have to do anything other than hold this glass. My whole job, all of the cells in my body is about holding this glass, or is about being a footstool, or just looking good. Yeah. That's one of my favorite. As a Dom, I tend to come from DOMs, have all sorts of flavors, and so we bring ourselves to to the game, whatever game it is. And so I, as a Dom have a tendency to be more of a coach. And so I'm going to say things to my sub about how well they're doing and how incredible they look and how much it pleases me when they accomplish the thing, right? You're a much nicer Dom than I am.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

I can be.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

It it is mood dependent, but that tends to be like I like to say that my Dom is like an my inner 12-year-old. Sometimes she's she's kinder, sometimes she's not so kind. But again, it is within the conversation of what are we both looking to feel.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

And that's so it that's it's such an interesting conversation around what kind of Dom you want to be, and you are, even within this frame of people getting their toe in the water of trying these kinks that they want to. I think where I struggled, I don't think I've had a really fully fulfilling submissive experience ever. And perhaps some of that is because I I'm gonna say because I didn't know how to communicate what I wanted to feel in that experience, so I never felt it. But I've had a much easier time finding my way in the dom role and knowing what I want to get out of it. So for instance, I have no interest in brats at all. I don't get anything out of that dynamic. I'm I'm much more of a boss. And I'm much more of kind of a strict boss. Maybe it comes from my upbringing. I get a I get a charge out of demanding something, and if it's not done right, like issuing a punishment. I'm also good with rewards, but that's more of my thing. My thing. And so someone who's bratty and just going to battle me, I'm like, that's exhausting. I'm not here to be exhausted. I'm here to get an energetic charge. You can leave, please. But I could find that in the dom role. So here's where I failed myself, and something I just learned from this conversation. I sought the submissive experience. I never fully got my exactly what I wanted. I'm still perhaps on that search because I couldn't figure out what I really wanted at. And remember, my whole journey started with looking for the submissive experience. It did not start with, I ended up in exploring more of my Dom's side, but that wasn't where I started. And I'd never stopped to think at that time, well, what kind of submissive do I want to be? Like, what do I want out of it? And how do I communicate that with someone who I'm with so we can see if we're a match, first of all. Because for me, if I'm with somebody who's like, oh, I'm a brat, that's just who I am. That's what I want. I'm gonna be like, you and I are, I'm not gonna enjoy intimacy with you. I'll just get frustrated and give up.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

And okay, so for for for those of us who are or for those who are listening, what we're talking about that brat is somebody, you know, somebody who is gonna push back. Now, somebody who's going to push back oftentimes is looking for containment. They're like, Can you hold me? Can you hold me if I'm bad? Can you hold me if I'm this? Can you hold me if I'm that? And it can be an exhausting experience.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

I think that there can be a little bit of that play in just the some submissive Dom dynamic. It can come into play. But when someone's really into their brat persona, it I think it really involves that con that constant push and pull. And I'm like in my daily life, I'm dealing with that. I just can't. That's when sex becomes a work for me. And we talk, I talk about this a lot on this podcast that a lot of women dip out of sex because sex has become work. The payoff, the pleasure, the play does not outweigh the work that's going into it. And so for me, that's when I I'm like, oh yeah, we're doing something kinky, but now it feels like work. Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 35:56

I'm done. Well, so for for some, you know, so for for for the person who the daddy dom or the mommy dom that really likes that, that brat is awesome. But that brat might not be for everybody. Now, which kind of brings in so the the the impact play is often what the brat is looking for, right? The brat is often looking for some version of impact play. Now, my theory about impact play is what you're looking for with impact play is you're looking to get back into your body. Right. The people I know who really love impact play, they are not always an embodied creature, right? So maybe that spanking, that flogging will help them get into their body again. And I know for me, like when I was when I was working on my my bachelor degree, so I was in pre-law, I was headed to be a lawyer, things changed, but I was in my head a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. And that was when I most was interested in impact play, coming back into my body, having having and having somebody who's good at impact play. And what I mean by that again is anything that is impacting the body, whether it is a hand, whether it is a bunny flogger

Impact Play And Subspace Explained

SPEAKER_01 37:22

or a crop, those things are bringing you into the body. They're making you aware of the body, right? That's one of the things that pain does, right? Pain says, Hey, I've got this thing, this body thing. Give me some attention here. And so what it is really helpful for is again partly the tension and release, right? Because when we feel pain, our body has a reaction. When there's no pain, there's another reaction. And also with impact play, be it a spanking or anything else, that's when the endorphins get going. That's when the the we come into a version of what we call subspace. Now, you can have that in any of the different, any of the different places that we've talked about, but really this particular version is is the easiest to get into subspace. And I would say, I would toss it that subspace is very much the same thing as runner's high. It is the same thing as like when we work the body, right? And we have all this delicious, yummy endorphins and feelings going on. That's what we're looking for when we like this particular kind of play.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Yes. So now we're at that time where I want to start doing takeaways. And I think the way that we walk through this, and we already did a little bit of the work on the emotional side, is to talk about how we're going to introduce each one of these pillars, if you will, to our partner. And the very first way we bring it into the room tonight, some little tips, if you will, for each one. So let's start with the emotional. What is the conversation starter? Let's give them a conversation starter, if you will, that they can have with their partner that is going to be like easing in. And then what are the first couple of things they can do in the bedroom tonight that are pretty simple, like dipping the toe that's not going to scare anyone, but we'll give them a taste where they can jump off from there. So starting with the emotional.

SPEAKER_01 39:42

Yeah, I think starting with the emotional to start the conversation, it's often easiest to say something about, hey, this podcast, this movie, this idea. Or if you want to be more direct, it's like,

Scripts To Bring It Up Tonight

SPEAKER_01 39:58

have you ever thought, would it be fun for you if I told you what to do? Would it be fun for you if in the bedroom you got to be in charge?

SPEAKER_00 40:09

I think a really, you know what? Ladies who are listening, I think this would be hot. You could look at your partner and say, How would you like it if for a half hour tonight in the bedroom you could tell me to do anything and I'd do it for you? Would you like to give that a try? I could give that a try. I am betting, I am betting he's gonna bite. Or the guy, the guy can say that too. Well, you if you could say, what if you could tell me anything to do in bed tonight and I would do it for you? Oh yeah. She might like that. She might be like, oh, okay, here are the things I've been wanting you to do. And that's a little starter, just uh making that offering.

SPEAKER_01 41:01

No, that's a that's brilliant. And that's actually with my couples, there's a game that we have where it's it's the the the 10-minute game, which is I invite them to basically say to each other, what would you like me to do to your body for 10 minutes? And they tell them, and if there's a if there's a connection there, then they do it. And then the other side of that is what would you like to do to my body for 10 minutes? And then there's a conversation and they get to do it. So I think making those offers, making those requests, but I I love what you're saying about I've been thinking about it, and what would what would you think about if I if if you could tell me what to do for half an hour or actually you said it better than I did.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

That's gonna drop you into the conversation, right? And then you can say, here are some limits, but everything else. I also, yeah, I also think that you can say, I've been kind of thinking it would be fun to be bossed around in the bedroom. Are you interested in being a little bossy tonight? And and and just I think introducing the conversation, especially if you guys have never really discussed kink or if you've been pretty conservative in bed and you feel like saying, Hey, do you want to try a dom sub dynamic tonight? Those words might feel like too much to your partner. You can use those words if you guys have are if you guys have been a little playful, you could be like, hey, want to be want to dom me tonight for fun. I I think I want to try that. But if not, using gentle, gentler terms.

SPEAKER_01 42:46

I don't know. Yeah. And I think just like with the restraint, just like with the impact, the question could be something like, you know, what what would it be like if I if I ate if we restrained you? Or how would you like to give up control for a little bit? So now we're moving on to the restraint. I think it could be part of the the conversation. Once you found somebody, if I it seems like restraint and impact for that matter, are part of the negotiation after you've already chosen roles, if you will.

SPEAKER_00 43:25

Well, that's an interesting piece. So you start with the emotional conversation. This all happens before you go to the bedroom. But if you're offering up anything you want to do, you can do for the next 15, 20 minutes, half hour. Then you can say, Here are some things that are included. I don't mind a little spanking. It sounds fun. Or slap my ass. If you don't want to say spanking, sometimes the word spanking also triggers people to think, ooh, you could say, I like it when you slap my ass when you're inside of me. Or I think bringing up being tied up, that that's not so beyond vanilla, right? Right.

SPEAKER_01 44:12

Well, and I think I think too, it's this is the fortunately, there's so many books and there's so many movies, and there's so many, you can say something like, This kind of dates me, but back in the day, nine and a half weeks was like the thing, right? And so it was easy to say, so you know that scene where he drips the honey in front of the refrigerator and she's blindfolded. It was really there was that was part of my fantasy, but like I there was a particular scene that was that I could point to and say, Hey, there's this thing, and nothing unfortunately is coming to mind off the top of my head, but I'm imagining there's different, I know there's different books where they talk about there is that scene or or Fifty Shades, man.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

That's some nice vanilla-friendly uh kink right, right, super vanilla friendly kink.

SPEAKER_01 45:10

Okay, thank you. I I have to admit, I I never saw the movie and I I skimmed through the books, and I want to say something about them really quickly because I know a lot of people in the kink world got their panties in a bunch about it wasn't this and it wasn't that, and it's like, do you remember what we were watching and listening to? The story of O was the thing around when I was coming out, and there's no consent there. There was no the other thing is it wasn't anatomically accurate, but it was hot, it was sexy, and you could refer to oh my god, there's a scene where she does X.

SPEAKER_00 45:45

Right, right. I I think that is a great key to to if you want to introduce restraint, if you want to introduce Impact is find some scene out of a movie you've watched together, something you're both familiar with, and say, I thought that was kind of hot. We don't have to do that exactly like that, but maybe put your tie around my wrists and I can just hold them over my head. They don't need to be attached to anything. Just say that would be kind of hot. Can we give that a try? Or starting with verbal submission, just bring up that. Say, I'd love it if you told me when I can move and when I can't move. That would be hot. That is a great way to introduce restraint without even saying restraint.

SPEAKER_02 46:34

Right?

SPEAKER_00 46:35

You tell me when to move. You tell me when not to move. And once you've played around with that, if you guys both like it, then you can say, Do you want to try introducing scarves or something? Handcuffs are pretty. Everybody knows handcuffs.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

You I think saying, Hey, want to get some fuzzy handcuffs? Can I just say the problem with handcuffs? They're super uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 46:59

But I like, I love there, are velcro ones that are made out of material. Yeah. I like them a lot.

SPEAKER_01 47:07

Those are restraints are awesome. And and they feel different. The Velcro ones are going to feel different than the leather ones are going to feel different than the metal ones. Don't the metal ones. Yeah. I I'm not so I'm not a fan of being uncomfortable. You can tie me up, just don't make me uncomfortable. There's a lot of things you could do to me, just don't make me uncomfortable. I really suggest finding the toys that are that are fun for you. The other thing is, is you could look at a website together. You could go shopping together.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

Listen to podcast episodes together, guys. Honestly, I have to tell you, one of the most wonderful things that happens to me daily now. Daily, I'm getting emails and DMs from couples. I get DMs from wives who are like, I found your podcast because my husband sent it to me. And I just want you to know thank you. We are having fantastic sex. And I'm getting these regularly. And it works. It's a soft introduction. It's it feels like an invitation. So just an idea. Share the podcast episodes. Watch the TV show. If you know a TV show has a hot scene in it, watch it with your partner and look at them. And hopefully they're getting a little excited while they're watching it too, and say, Hey, wanna try that? It's such an easy way to introduce something. If you get shut down by your partner when you bring something up, it's really important in that moment to say to them, hey, it's hard for me to it's hard for me to share my sexual wants and needs with you when you shut me down so quick. Can we just talk about why you're not into it and what you might be into? Use that as an opportunity, be curious, right? But what's interesting about this conversation, because we're at that time now, is as I I had thought what we would do is go through and we'd break down each pillar and how to introduce it, but they're all tied together. These conversations can have at once, right? You can have the conversation all at once. You bring up starting with a hey, wanna boss me around for 15 minutes. And then here are some things I'm open to. If you want to tell me not to move or to put my hands over my head and leave them there until you're done, that sounds hot to me. You've introduced restraint, right? Or hey, if you want to slap my ass while you're inside me, I found that kind of turned me on. The other things that we didn't get to is that impact can also happen with soft things. Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 49:53

And and you can say, I really like the the way that it feels when you when you hold me tight, right? Or you I really like the way it feels when you need my ass, or I really like the way it feels when you run your fingers around my clitoris, or when you use your cock on on my heart center or on my inner thighs and tell me not to move. That's super hot. Or when on the other side, if you're if you're a guide, it's or masculine, if you I really love it when you tease me with your breasts, when you tease me with your pussy, when you get close to me with your lips and I don't move, and I just let you come close to me, or I feel like I can't move.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

That's the way to introduce restraint is I really love it when I feel like I can't move because you're in control. So coming up with scripts, like pull some of the scripts out of all of the things. We're we're spitballing over here. We're spitballing, but we've come up with some good stuff. So pull those scripts and put together your script tonight with these gentle entry conversations. And then once you're in the bedroom, obviously, if you haven't done impact before or restraint, you're not going to have anything for the bedroom, which is fine, which is great. So, restraint, you start with verbal restraint. That's the perfect place to start. You start with what you have, which is your body, it's your voice. You can do physical straight restraint with your own body, holding the hands over the head, putting the hands like behind the back with one arm while you're touching the body. If you're going to do impact, you've got your hands. You've got, well, if you're a person with a penis, you've got your penis. You can use your own body for acts without impact, right?

SPEAKER_01 51:49

Thank you for bringing that up because I have to say, of all of the tools and the playbags and everything else, it's like your body, your body weight, your voice, your hair. These are the things that are available to you anytime, any place. And as you're saying, it's like it's easier to introduce something that is, I want to say organic, that's not quite the what I mean, but that's available and organic and doesn't necessarily have to have a conversation about whatever the the the tools are that you're going to bring, the implements of destruction, if you will. So one of the things I wanted to add too is is that a lot of what we're talking about is negotiation. And so I have a free gift that I would love to tell you about, and it is called the Relationship Lab Guide Guidelines. And basically it talks about what we've talked about, where it's like who's going to do what to whom, for how long, and how to talk about, communicate whether something is working for you or not working for you, how to talk about what you want to include, what you don't want to include. And I invite you to check it out. There's going to be a link to it in the show notes. And it's a really fun way and easy way to get started.

SPEAKER_00 53:25

Thank you so much for that. There will be a link to that. Right now, can you tell my listeners where they can find you if they want to learn more from you or work with you?

SPEAKER_01 53:33

Absolutely. So I am at Deborah Kat.com. That's D-E-B-O-R-A-H-K-A-T.com. I'm also Deborah

Negotiation Guide And Where To Find Kat

SPEAKER_01 53:43

Kat on Instagram, on Facebook, on Substack. And I have a school community that is all about these kinds of conversations. And again, it's actually that one is the better sex school community. So, but this is this is what I love to do. And this is what I really believe that as we have better sex, we become better humans and we create a better world.

SPEAKER_00 54:13

Absolutely. And I actually recorded an episode with Deborah on her podcast. So go over there, check it out, listen, you'll eventually hear me over there. So we're collaborating that way, which is lovely. So check, check it all out. You'll you can find the notes below where to find her, guys. If there are kinks, things outside of everyday conventional sex you want to try, or you're just looking to spice up your sex life and to get to know your partner better. Thinking of kink or trying new things in these three pillars is very useful. And you can see that there are some very low-risk ways to start bringing them into the bedroom and changing the dynamic a little bit to set you on a path to something that could be incredibly fun. Look, even if you try something out and you don't like it, it's an adventure you took with your partner. And research shows that adventures with partners improves relationships. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 55:26

Absolutely. Bringing in something new, bringing in something that is adventurous and that bringing in taboo. We didn't can be a lot of bring spark to a to a relationship. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 55:41

All right, guys. So get to it. Tell me how it goes. I'd love to know what you try in your bedroom tonight after listening to this episode. So make sure you drop it in the comment section below this. If you're on my YouTube channel at talk sex within it. And if you're a listener, you can head to the channel or you can email me. I love your stories. Until next time, listeners, I'll see you in the locker room. Cheers. Cheers. Do the sexual.